Monkey Head Butting!
m a davis/miko [email protected]
http://listen.to/bell/
This story will be at least 6 parts total. I have everything plotted but the plot occasionally twists and changes on me. the first three parts are written (Hey! Here's part three now!) and the rest exists in half-scenes and notes like "in this scene, Ranma makes love to a duck".
(Special note: Ranma does not make love to a duck in any story I have written, am writing, or intend to write. Although he nearly married one once, as we all know. Anyone want to write a story hinging on a "what if that marriage had actually gone through"?) ^_^;;;;
This will be a rather traditional story, not dark or serious or waffy or lemon or revisionist or alternate universe or anything. It's set near the end of the series, because Mrs. Tendo knows about Ranma and Genma... other than that, I haven't thought about continuity too much.
Sorry for the goofy title.
Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement intended. This is a fan work only, not for profit.
Monkey Head Butting
Part Three
When Kasumi awoke, she lay in her bed, hugging her pillow, recalling Kuno's kiss from the evening before. It had surprised her, but it had also been warm, and intimate, and electrifying. It made her dizzy to think about it. Was that what love was like? Kasumi had never been in love, had never had the time to even consider it.
` But no, when she thought of Kuno, she thought mostly of his pompous attitudes, his boasting, and his flat refusal to see or hear anything which contradicted his chosen view of the world. She wasn't in love with Kuno. *Which is a good thing,* she thought, giggling. *Ranma doesn't need any more fiancees... especially male ones!*
She got dressed, and headed for the kitchen. She was surprised to find Ranma and Nodoka already there, hard at work on breakfast.
"Kasumi, dear," Nodoka said, "you just let us take care of things for now. Remember, until this situation is resolved, you're a high school student again. No need for you to be cooking and cleaning."
Kasumi smiled weakly. It was awfully nice of Mrs. Saotome and Ranma, but... Kasumi had been getting up early and cooking breakfast for everyone since long before she'd graduated from high school. Being a student had little to do with it. She backed out of the kitchen and looked around.
*Now what?* The kitchen was Kasumi's center of operation. To not be allowed to enter and start breakfast threw her off balance. What was she supposed to do with herself now?
She could hear Genma and father outside, sparring. *Poor father! I suppose Mr. Saotome needs a partner, but father's not as fond of early morning workouts as the Saotomes are!*
Akane would be out running soon, if she wasn't already, and Nabiki... well, Nabiki wasn't an early riser.
If she were Ranma, she'd be out sparring with his father, not standing here in a yellow dress. Well, at least she could practice some of the simple katas she'd learned from father as a child. It would be a good idea to try and keep Ranma's body in shape, at any rate. But she'd need to wear something besides the dress...
A half-hour later, Kasumi left the dojo, having worked up a sweat. *My, but Ranma-kun is a healthy girl!* she thought. It had been so very long since Kasumi had practiced, but the katas had come to her quite readily. She'd even found herself going through some of Ranma's moves, ones she'd seen him do many times but which Kasumi had never been taught. They felt absolutely natural, and the movement of her body, with it's strength, speed, and flexibility, was exhilarating, almost hypnotic.
She took a quick bath, being very careful that the water was only lukewarm, then she headed back to her room. She thought again about attending school as a boy, but knew she wasn't ready to do it. She studied Ranma's clothing critically -- the red silk top, the black pants -- and again she wondered, *If I'm going to be a girl, then what could be wrong with dressing like a girl? Certainly that's more natural than a girl who dresses like a boy!*
With her mind made up, Kasumi headed for the attic.
***
"Ranma! I mean, Kasumi! Hurry up! We're going to be late!"
Akane stood at the foot of the stairs, fuming. *You'd think that for once, with my sister taking Ranma's place, we could actually arrive on time, but nooo! What's gotten into her anyway? Is Ranma's body affecting her mind somehow?*
Akane's anger vanished and her mouth fell open when she saw Kasumi descending the stairs. Kasumi wore her old Furinkan High School girl's dress uniform, and her red hair was tied back with a large white ribbon. It wasn't much, but... no, that's not true, there was something else as well. There was the way Kasumi walked, the way she moved, the way she smiled so sweetly when she greeted Akane. Ranma had never looked like this. Ranma could never look like this... he could never be as sweet and innocent, as graceful and feminine, as Kasumi. Everything that was Kasumi showed through in her every look, her every movement, her every spoken word. Combined with Ranma's looks, which were admittedly considerable, she was absolutely stunning.
*My god,* Akane thought. *Every boy in school's going to be on her in an instant. It won't even matter that they know she's really Ranma...*
Was this really her sister? Why hadn't she looked like this yesterday, or last night? What was going on here?
"Akane?" Kasumi said, waving a hand in front of Akane's face. "Shouldn't we be going? I thought you said we were late."
"Kasumi?" Akane said, snapping out of her dazed state. "Do you... do you really think it's a good idea to go to school like that?"
Kasumi smiled ruefully. "To be honest, Akane, I know it might cause Ranma problems later, but I can't bring myself to act like him or... or to be him. If you don't mind, I'd like to leave before Ranma notices..."
"That... that sounds like a good idea," Akane said. The two slipped silently past the kitchen, where Ranma was washing the morning dishes, and out the front gate.
Nabiki was waiting at the corner, camera in hand. Akane sighed. Maybe Ranma was right... maybe this was worse than anything that had yet happened to him. And Ranma didn't even know the half of it, yet...
***
Ranma had thought school was boring, but she was beginning to realize how much more dull things could be. While Mr. Tendo and her father sat in the corner, playing their usual games of shogi, Ranma once again tackled the household's daily tasks under the watchful gaze of her mother. There was nothing exciting about dusting or scrubbing the floors or doing the laundry, and this time around there was little help from Nodoka, who expected Ranma to be able to do all of this on her own as soon as possible. It was mindless work, which perhaps explained why Kasumi seemed so mindless so much of the time.
Worse, it wore her out and left her tired, without providing any of the benefits of an actual workout. Not that Ranma had ever taken Kasumi for granted, but she was learning to respect the oldest Tendo sister on a whole new level.
The upside of all this mindless work was that it gave her a chance to talk with her mother, which she rarely had the chance to do. The downside to talking to her mother was that her mother wanted to do more than talk. She wanted to discuss things. Things like relationships, and how to treat women, and how to conduct yourself in the world. It was one thing, Ranma thought, to do dull, boring, and mindless actions. In fact, she was pretty good at doing boring, mindless things; that was, after all, essentially what practicing kata was about. It was quite another thing to multiply the dullness of a job by adding a boring discussion on top of it all.
Ranma nodded her head as she worked, and said, "I see," and "I understand" when the moment seemed appropriate. She was scrubbing in the kitchen, while her mother talked, and was slowly going out of her mind, when a familiar sound got her attention, and a movement from the entrance caught her eye...
***
The three Tendo sisters walked to school together for the first time in nearly two years. It made Akane happy. She recalled her first day of high school, how excited she'd been, walking along with her sisters. She'd listened eagerly to everything the two had told her. After Kasumi had graduated, Akane had still walked to school with Nabiki, but it hadn't been the same. Nabiki had her own friends and her own schemes to worry about; she and Akane weren't all that close. This last year, after Ranma had shown up, Akane and Nabiki had rarely walked together at all.
In a short time Nabiki would graduate, and then it would just be Akane and Ranma. Time moved fast. But, for today, all three sisters were together.
There was the jingle of a bicycle bell, and Shampoo rode past them, scanning the crowd. Akane's heart skipped a beat -- the uninhibited, purple-haired Chinese girl was the last thing they needed -- but Shampoo barely glanced at Kasumi.
*Maybe she won't recognize her at all,* thought Akane. Then, more sarcastically, she thought, *Maybe if Ranma wore a dress and a hair-ribbon more often, he'd have less trouble with fiancees...*
As they neared the school gate Shampoo circled around and came back to them. She stopped her bike, miraculously without destroying any walls or landing on top of anyone. "Akane Tendo, you know where airen is?" she asked in broken Japanese.
Akane shrugged. "Haven't seen him," she said, but Shampoo was neither as blind as Mousse nor as unobservant as Ryoga. She focused on Kasumi, and her eyes went wide.
"Aiya! Ranma?"
Kasumi smiled. "Why hello, Shampoo! How are you today?"
Shampoo leapt from her bike and glomped onto Kasumi. "Airen! You go on date with Shampoo now yes?"
"Oh, my!" Kasumi exclaimed. "Shampoo, I... I have school to attend, I... could you possibly let go of me?"
Kasumi managed, with difficulty, to separated herself from the overly affectionate amazon. Nearby, Akane clenched her fists and glowed with a brilliant blue aura. She wanted to hit someone or something, but with Kasumi inhabiting Ranma's body, the only viable target was Shampoo, and Akane knew better than to start another fight with that girl.
"Shampoo," Kasumi said, straightening her dress, "I think it's time we had a talk about girls hugging other girls..."
"What you talking about Ranma? Shampoo know you is no girl!"
"Well..." Kasumi faltered. "That's true... I suppose... but even so, when Ran... when I'm in my girl form, you should try to restrain yourself. Not everyone knows that I'm not a girl, you know. Think of how it appears to others."
"Why you dress like that, Ranma?" Shampoo asked, changing the subject. "Is violent girl hit you on head again?"
"Violent!" Akane yelled, pounding her fist into the rock wall next to her. Bits of rock flew everywhere as the wall collapsed. "Who, exactly, are you calling violent?!?"
"Aiya," Shampoo said, staring at the demolished wall. Suddenly she turned back to Kasumi. "Shampoo come to warn you about Mousse," she said. "He train very hard in mountain for two weeks. Now he is looking for you, Ranma. You be careful, Mousse very strong this time, very hard to beat."
"Mousse is looking to fight Ranma?" Akane said. A huge sweatdrop appeared on her head as she considered the implications. *There's no way Kasumi can handle Mousse, even on a good day. If he's had two weeks of training, then Kasumi's dead meat. Our only chance is to avoid a confrontation completely.*
"Ah!" Shampoo cried out. "Shampoo understand now! You already hear of Mousse, yes? Is good disguise! Almost you fool Shampoo!" She hugged Kasumi again, and Kasumi's face turned very red. Then Shampoo stepped back, serious again. "Still, you no hide from Mousse forever. Mousse very determined this time, Ranma. You no hurt him too bad, okay?"
"I... I'm sure I'll manage that somehow," Kasumi said softly.
***
P-Chan squealed in delight, recognizing the Tendo Dojo. He'd found it again! Oh, the heavens smiled on him when he was able to find his way back to Akane so often! Grunting contentedly to himself, he squeezed into the compound and trotted happily towards the house.
Once inside, he proceeded with caution. Not only did he become lost easily in the massive house, but he wanted to avoid Ranma if he could. But all he saw was Kasumi, working in the kitchen as usual. He grunted in satisfaction, located the staircase, and trotted quickly towards it.
Steady footsteps followed him. He turned, and saw a hand reaching out. The next thing he knew, he was being dangled by his collar before Kasumi's frowning face.
"Just where do you think you're going, Mr. pig?" Kasumi asked. P-Chan squealed in confusion and alarm. Something wasn't right!
"As if I didn't know," Kasumi continued, carrying him through the living room and out into the back. "Well, sorry, Ryoga, but you're not sleeping with my sister tonight."
P-Chan barely felt a thing as he was drop-kicked by the older Tendo sister. He flew out over the houses of Nerima, his mind stunned and confused. *Kasumi knows?* he thought. *But... but how? And why was Kasumi, of all people, acting just like Ranma?*
***
"Who's the new girl?" Hitoshi asked.
Daisuke shook his head. "I can't say, my friend, but she sure is a sight for sore eyes!"
"What a babe! Have you ever seen her before, Kyosuke?"
"Never! I wouldn't forget a beautiful sight like that!"
The boys gathered in their homeroom at Furinkan High and stared at the unknown red-headed girl. As the teacher called out the student's names in turn, the boys whispered back and forth. When the girl caught some of them looking her way, she gave them a warm, radiant smile, and several boys nearly passed out on the spot.
The girls, too, were watching the new student, comparing her stunning beauty and grace to their own and, without exception, feeling slightly outclassed. Just who was this girl anyway?
"Ranma Saotome?" the teacher called out.
"Here!" Kasumi said. The entire room gasped, and as one they turned to stare.
"Ranma?"
"That's Ranma?"
"That can't be Ranma, can it?"
"What a waste if he doesn't stay that way!"
In seconds every boy in the classroom was crowded around Kasumi's desk, asking questions, offering her presents from their desks or parts of their lunch. Kasumi was bewildered and overwhelmed.
"Oh, how nice of you! You really shouldn't... my, how sweet! Oh, I don't think I should, thank you so very much for offering! Oh, would you look at that! Why, thank you! Hello again, Daisuke, Hitoshi! Isn't class about to start?"
Meanwhile the girls in the classroom remained seated, but had their own comments.
"Would you look at them? I can't believe it! Mooning over a boy, of all things!"
"I knew Ranma was a little weird, but this..."
"And to think for a moment I actually thought she was pretty."
"Ranma, pretty? Don't make me laugh."
"Honestly, how long are they going to keep this up?"
"Akane seems remarkably calm, don't you think?"
"Yeah, Akane, what's up? Why is Ranma dressed like this? Are you really going to ignore it all?"
"Why should it concern me?" Akane replied. As usual, there was an undercurrent of anger in her voice, but a couple of the other girls exchanged glances. Hadn't it sounded a little hollow, as if Akane weren't really angry at all? What, exactly, was going on here?
"Akane Tendo! You must date with me tonight!"
Kuno came charging across the room, a bouquet of flowers in his hand, and the unusual was suddenly swept away by the all-too-familiar. Kuno landed on one knee in front of Akane's desk and, grabbing her hand, he planted a kiss upon it. "Oh beauteous Akane, allow me to grace you with an evening as splendid as that which I and the beautiful pig-tailed goddess..."
The soliloquy ended abruptly as satellite Kuno was once again launched into orbit, this time via the second-story window. Akane watched him sailing off. She looked suddenly perplexed. "What was that he was saying about an evening with the pig-tailed goddess..?" she wondered out loud.
Akane felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned to see Kasumi eyeing her levelly. "Akane," her sister said, "was that really necessary?"
***
Akane didn't learn the whole story until lunchtime, when she and Kasumi happened across their sister, engaged in another of her transactions with Kuno. Nabiki was so wrapped up in her bargaining that she failed to notice Akane approaching her from behind. Akane reached out and lifted a set of photographs from Nabiki's hands.
"Hey!" Nabiki yelled, spinning about. "Give those back! They're extremely valuable merchandise!"
"What is it this time, Nabiki?" Akane growled. "More lewd photos of me working out? Maybe a shot of me getting dressed, or even a bathroom shot? Oh..." Akane's eyes went wide, and she looked directly at Kasumi. "This is you, isn't it? Eating dinner with Kuno... holding hands... kissing him?!? I thought you were out with Hitoshi and Daisuke!"
Kasumi's face turned red. "Oh, my... I thought I'd gotten rid of those..."
Nabiki smirked. "Can I help it, sister, if you took the camera, but not all my rolls of film? A girl's got to make a living you know."
"Kasumi, how could you?" Akane said, hurt. "This isn't your body you know, it's Ranma's! It's his life you're messing up, and mi... and... Of all the people I might have expected this from, I never would have thought..."
Kuno, ever aware of half the truth and no more than that, placed one arm each over the shoulders of Akane and Kasumi. "Now, girls," he said, "there's no need to argue. The great Tatewate Kuno is more than enough of a man for the both of y..."
"DO YOU MIND?!?" Akane yelled as she launched Kuno for the second time that day. As she stood, huffing in anger, watching Kuno's trajectory, Kasumi spoke again.
"I'm sorry, Akane, I know I was wrong, but... I don't know what came over me. I..." her voice trailed off as she looked down at her feet in shame.
Nabiki held out her hand. "If you're quite finished ruining my transaction, Akane," she said icily, "I'd appreciate having those back..."
"Not on your life!"
Nabiki frowned. "Fine, if that's the way you want it, I'll just charge your account..."
"NABIKI!"
"Look, sis, I have the negatives. You'll only delay my sale by a day, and force me to have new prints made..."
"AS IF I CARE ABOUT YOUR PETTY INCONVENIENCES!" Akane yelled. She stalked off without looking back.
Nabiki sighed, and glanced back at Kasumi. "That's Akane for you," she said. "She'll calm down eventua...."
"Nabiki," Kasumi said levelly, and Nabiki thought she saw a flash of anger in the red-head's eyes, "what I did was wrong, but what you did was also wrong. And after I told you last night not to do this! I... I don't even know what to say. I am very, very disappointed in you."
A slight frown graced Nabiki's normally calm face as she watched her elder sister disappear behind some trees. Nabiki was never one to admit to any sort of deep emotion, but she had never heard her older sister speak before in that tone of voice. Akane's anger came and went as swiftly as the wind, and Nabiki could weather it easily, but to hear the anger and hurt in Kasumi's voice shook her to her core.
It was almost enough to keep her from selling the photos. Almost.
*One percent each,* she thought, after a moment's reflection. *They deserve that much, at least. And a half-percent for Akane as well, but that's as much as I can offer...*
***
Growing up with his father, Ranma had learned simple cooking out of necessity. Later he had learned quite a bit from his mother, mostly while disguised as "Tendo Ranko", the supposed niece. but even after his mother knew him as her son Ranma, she'd continued to give him the occasional cooking lesson. Although left unspoken, they both sensed that Ranma, after marriage, might be forced to become the primary cook of his family -- assuming, of course, that he married Akane.
Noon found Ranma in the kitchen, preparing lunch. Nodoka was out shopping. She'd left the planning and preparation of lunch up to Ranma, who'd decided on something that was not too difficult but which she enjoyed eating. Without even realizing it, she hummed to herself as she worked. She was having fun -- cooking was a great deal more engaging than cleaning or folding laundry -- and was looking forward to the reactions of her father and Mr. Tendo.
"Hotcha! My favorite! Yakisoba, made by the loving hands of Kasumi!"
Ranma spun around. Happosai was standing on the table, shoveling yakisoba noodles into his mouth as quickly as his hands could move. Remembering her promise to Mr. Tendo, Ranma quelled the urge to punch her diminutive master, and instead slammed a pan down onto the table next to him.
"Hey!" Ranma yelled, "I'm not finished yet! Wait until I say lunch is ready!"
Suddenly Happosai froze. The chopsticks fell from his lifeless fingers as a look of horror crawled across his face.
"Kasumi! Your yakisoba.... it's... it's..." his hands went to his throat.
"What?!? You don't like it? There's nothing wrong with it! Or maybe you'd like some of Akane's cooking for comparison?"
"No," Happosai said, "that's not it, it's..." He looked up, tears coming to his eyes. "Kasumi, this is merely good! What could have possibly gone wrong? Your cooking has always been far more than just good!"
Ranma's eyes narrowed. "Is that all? Well if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it, you know. Nobody's forcing you."
"But Kasumi!" the man pleaded, "to not be completely satisfied by your food... perhaps something's wrong with me!"
"Oh, really?" Ranma muttered under her breath, "what was your first clue?" She carried the dishes out to the family room, where Soun and Genma were hunched over their game board, engaged in yet another fierce battle of, for lack of a better word, wits. Happosai followed her and sat at the table dejectedly.
"I just don't get it," he muttered to himself. "How can I not love Kasumi's cooking?"
"Lunch is ready," Ranma called out. "I hope you like it."
In a maneuver of astonishing agility, Genma used the distraction to switch game pieces around and still arrived at the table ahead of Soun. Ranma shook her head. *He really has all the talent to be a truly great martial artist,* she thought. *If only he weren't such a cowardly weasel.*
Genma dug in quickly, then beamed at his son-cum-daughter. "Ranma, my boy, you've outdone yourself! And without any help from Nodoka! If only you'd have learned to cook this well at a younger age, our years of training might have passed more easily!"
Happosai looked about. "Ranma? Where do you see Ranma? Are you feeling okay, Genma?"
"Master," Soun said, "your senses do not deceive you. Ranma and Kasumi have, for the moment, switched places."
Happosai's eyes narrowed. He looked at Ranma, and then back at Soun.
"Do you mean," he said, "that beautiful Kasumi here is really my ungrateful student, Ranma?"
Soun nodded. "We're not exactly sure how it hap..."
"Ranchan!" Happosai exclaimed, making a leap directly for Ranma's breasts.
There was a loud thump, and Happosai landed face-first in Ranma's yakisoba. Ranma blinked. He hadn't moved a muscle... it was Soun who had delivered the blow.
"Way to go, Mr. Tendo!" Ranma exclaimed. "You're finally standing up to the freak!"
"Forgive me, Master," Soun said, hastily picking Happosai up and dusting him off. "That's still the body of our beloved Kasumi. I beg of you to treat it with respect, regardless of who inhabits it."
While Soun groveled before him, the little man sat on the edge of the table and lit his pipe. "Okay, Soun," he said, reflectively, "I'll let you off easy this one time. Still, this explains a lot. I was afraid for a moment that I'd lost my ability to appreciate fine cuisine, but knowing that this mess is Ranma's work..."
"Hey! There's nothing wrong with my cooking!"
"That's where you're wrong, boy!" Happosai countered. "Kasumi's food exists on a completely different level from normal cooking! Her creations are spiced with her love and happiness, with her tenderness and compassion. It's no wonder this slop pales by comparison!"
"Slop!" Ranma sputtered. "Spiced with compassion? Give me a break!"
"Laugh if you want, Ranma," Happosai said, "but only a woman with a pure heart could ever hope to equal Kasumi's culinary skills."
"Is that so? We'll just see about that!"
"Son," Soun said, "the master is right. You cook very well, but Kasumi has had years to hone her skills."
"You think I don't know that? All I'm saying is I can make a meal that anyone can enjoy, and I don't need sweetness and love to do it! Compassion isn't something you eat!"
"All right then!" Happosai said, jumping up on the table. "You can be awfully headstrong, Ranma, but this time I'm taking you down a peg or two! I accept your challenge! If you can create a meal that even comes close to Kasumi's perfection, something that even vaguely reminds me of her wonderful meals, then you win!"
"You got it!"
"And I'm so certain that you'll fail, that if you win, I'll give you that which I hold most dear! You can have every bra and every panty that I've ever taken from Akane!"
"WHAT?!? Why would I ever... what makes you think... I don't want..."
"Ranma," Soun said, stepping forward, "the Master rarely makes so generous an offer. To refuse is to risk his wrath, and none of us want that."
"Look, Mr. Tendo, I don't want ANY girl's underwear, and especially not underwear from that kawaiikune tomboy!"
"Boy! Don't speak of your fiance that way!"
"Please, Ranma," Soun said, tears coming to his eyes, "don't refuse the Master's kind offer... you have no idea how much money I spend every month, keeping Akane supplied with underwear..."
Ranma's eyes went wide, and she glanced towards Happosai. "Just how often does the freak steal from her anyway?"
"You ungrateful, snot-nosed brat! Are you gonna accept my challenge, or not?"
"Fine by me," Ranma said. "But you can give the underwear to Akane... I just want to hear you say you like my food!"
"It's a deal," Happosai said. "But should you lose, you'll be wearing this!" From within his robe he produced a bra... the same one he'd been trying to get Ranma to wear for months.
A sweatdrop appeared on Ranma's head. Considering that she was wearing a bra, along with everything else Kasumi normally wore, the threat from Happosai seemed rather out of place. She managed to rally with a half-hearted growl. "You just never give up, do you?"
"Don't do it, son!" Genma growled. "This isn't a battle you can win."
Ranma was defiant. "I don't lose at nothing! Not even cooking!"
"This isn't martial arts cooking you know!"
"Says you. I say 'anything goes' means 'anything goes'!" She stomped off to the kitchen, muttering to herself about recipes and compassion.
Genma sighed. "My own son, attempting to out-cook Kasumi. Where did I go wrong, Tendo?"
"Perhaps, Saotome, it was that trip to China..."
Happosai sat back down. "Ha! The fool really thinks he can cook like Kasumi. That'll be the day!"
"The boy's really lost it this time, Tendo. We need to switch him and Kasumi back, quick."
"Now, how did this happen, exactly?" Happosai asked. "It's not every day you have people switching bodies like that."
"It started with the Monkey Head-Butting Technique," Soun said.
"The what?"
Quickly Soun filled the Master in on the previous day's events. When they were done, Happosai scowled.
"What?" Happosai said. "Monkey Head-Butting Technique? A powerful weapon of attack and defense? Don't make me laugh! Who told you that load of crap? That sounds like one of Genma's stories!"
A sweatdrop appeared on Genma's forehead.
"There's no such thing?" Soun said. His body began to radiate a red battle aura.
"Tendo, I'm sure I can explain..."
"Saotome, you assured me that such a technique existed..."
With a loud splash, Genma upended a bucket of water over his head. A moment later Mr. Panda stood there, holding a sign that read, "Growf?"
"Saotome," Soun said, "don't make the mistake of thinking you can get out of this one..."
"No," Happosai continued, "that technique was never meant as a weapon of attack or defense... it's only purpose was to provide the perfect disguise for sneaking into women's locker rooms..."
Soun paused and glanced back at his perverted Master. "Then it really exists?" he asked.
"Growf?"
"Of course it exists!" Happosai said with authority. "I didn't spend a good part of my youth chasing a dream you know! I searched for years, scouring the land, until I finally claimed the secrets of Monkey Head-Bashing for my own! Only then was I satisfied!"
"Then you know the secret!" Soun cried happily. "You know how to cure Kasumi! Why didn't you say so earlier?"
"Because," Happosai said, "I don't."
***
Now that she looked back on it, Akane could see that Ranma's whole "Cat Tongue Pressure Point" episode had been a blessing in disguise. For weeks Ranma had been forced to attend school as a girl, to wear a girl's swimsuit or gym outfit during p.e. He'd managed to avoid wearing the girl's school uniform, but only barely. Still, people were used to seeing Ranma as a girl, and while Kasumi had caused quite a stir this morning by the way she'd dressed and acted, it was quickly forgotten. People weren't shocked, and they weren't gossiping... at least, no more than they usually did.
As Ranma-chan had done, Kasumi wore a girl's gym outfit and joined the other girls playing softball. Kasumi played well. From what Akane could remember, her sister had never been very good at the sport. *There's my theory again,* she thought. *Kasumi seems to be reacting with Ranma-chan's instincts and reflexes.*
"Ranma Saotome! Prepare to die!"
The challenge rang out across the softball field, and Akane looked up to see Mousse, in his usual flowing white robe, hurling threats and invectives at a nearby shrub.
"Oh, look! It's that strange Chinese boy!" Sayuri said.
"What's he doing talking to that bush?" Yuka added. "How odd!"
As Mousse adjusted his glasses and stared closely at the bush, a crowd of boys and girls gathered around Kasumi. Everyone knew what was coming; challenges to Ranma had become a weekly event at the school, and were, in fact, quite anticipated. The battles were often spectacular, and there was always the outside chance that the unthinkable would happen, that Ranma would lose... after all, pigs were often seen flying through the Nerima skies.
Mousse, his glasses balanced atop his head, walked straight up to Kasumi. For a moment Akane wondered if he'd actually done the unthinkable and picked Ranma out of the crowd -- on a day when not another soul in the entire school had managed to. But then Mousse spoke.
"Excuse me Miss, have you seen Ranma Saotome?"
"Not since this morning," Kasumi said.
"Ranma's not here, Mousse," Akane chimed in, stepping forward. There would be a way out of this yet!
"Ranma?" Hitoshi said, not to be denied a ringside seat at another spectacular match. "What do you mean, he's right there in front of you!"
Akane shot Hitoshi a withering glare, which he failed to notice. Mousse adjusted his glasses and looked closer at Kasumi. "Ranma? Is that you? Why are you dressed like a girl?"
"Why, because I am a girl," Kasumi replied. "At least, for the moment."
The vision-impaired boy jumped back and assumed a fighting stance. "Never mind, you pervert! I've come to defeat you and win back the hand of my beloved Shampoo!"
"Win back?" Hitoshi said. "Doesn't that mean he had to have it in the first place?"
"That's the usual meaning," Daisuke replied. The other students nodded in agreement.
"Shut up!" Mousse yelled. "Ranma, prepare to die!"
"I'm pretty sure he said that already," Yuka said.
Mousse moved to attack Kasumi. "NO!" Akane shouted, jumping between the two. From nowhere she produced a mallet, swinging it in a wide arc that intersected with Mousse's face, seperating him from his glasses, and his feet from the ground.
"Akane!" Daisuke said. "This is a fight between two men! No fair interrupting!"
"Two men?" Akane fired back. She jabbed a finger at Kasumi. "Does that look like a man to you?"
"Well, it's Ranma, after all..."
Mousse leapt to his feet. "I agree! This fight is between Ranma and I! Ranma, tell your woman to stay out of it!"
"My... woman?" Kasumi repeated doubtfully.
There was another flash of the mallet, and Mousse was again stretched out on the playing field.
"Akane, stop it! We want to see a fight!"
"Come on, Mousse!" Akane growled. "It's the middle of school! At least issue a formal challenge! Name the time and place and we'll be there... but you can't just fight right here during school!"
Hitoshi frowned. "I thought they did that all the time."
"Me too," Daisuke added.
"Very well," Mousse said, drawing himself up and adjusting his glasses once more. "Ranma Saotome, I formally challenge you for the right to pursue Shampoo! The fight shall be held..."
"...next month!" Akane interjected.
Mousse looked at her blankly. "Next month? Very well, Akane, if you insist, then so it shall be. And given that today is the twenty-ninth, that means that our fight shall commence this Saturday!"
"Uh..." Akane said, "Saturday? Did I say Saturday?"
"The date is set! Ranma, meet me at noon here on the school grounds. You'd better show up! Be prepared to die!"
"He keeps saying that," Daisuke said, as Mousse bounded away.
"Such a strange boy," Yuka agreed.
"It's sad, really," Sayuri added, "talking to bushes, and always repeating himself. Do you think he even realizes it?"
***
End Part Three
Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back! Write something different!
Enjoy! And if you don't, write me anyway!
M.A. Davis aka "Miko"
[email protected]
http://listen.to/bell/
Monkey Head Butting Part Four
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